Making Connections That Matter: Who Decides?

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What we decide:

They won’t like it.

They won’t want it.

They won’t care about it.

What they decide:

No one invited us.

No one asked us.

No one cared about it.

The reality:

We create our own experience and they create theirs.

What we decide is what we see.

What they decide is what we can’t see.

This is what makes it so tough to develop true connection (and the potential for it). We assume they don’t want what we have and they assume we don’t have it. Nobody shares.

It’s like trying to embrace each other with our arms tied behind our backs.

What we decide in isolation and what they decide in isolation is keeping us sealed off from understanding each other, from serving each other. So that it becomes not our lack of love but our haste in jumping to imagined conclusions that forges our separation.

And so – decision by invisible decision – the connection breaks.

The chance for healing is lost.

The relationship dies.

Another way, though – a way to prevent the loss in connection – is to recognize the potential for the breakdown to occur (sometimes surprisingly early) in any exchange, especially those that matter to us most.

If we are alert for this kind of inherent fragility in a relationship (friendship, business, family, any exchange between people who care), we can become willing to suspend deciding and seek first to understand.

We can ask questions that acknowledge and explore the fertile space that emerges when we untie ourselves, when we stop assuming and start connecting:

What matters most to you?

Would you like to try this?

Would you like to come in?

Only when our arms are free can we reach each other.


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20 thoughts on “Making Connections That Matter: Who Decides?

  1. Jen

    I have found the curiosity and compassion go a long way. I tend to be more challenged by judgement of others (thinking they don’t have to offer what I want). So I have reprogrammed myself so that when I feel resistant to someone, I try to become compassionate and curious and see where that takes me.

    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Hi Jen,

      Thank you for sharing this – I agree with you. Judgment is another way we tie ourselves up. I love that you say you ‘reprogrammed yourself’ because isn’t that such a game changer? Just realizing that there is another way to think, to embrace, to be, if we commit to it. I do the same thing, sometimes I can physically feel myself resisting a person based on some conditioned response (judgment) and I just try to remain alert for that feeling and try to neutralize it.

      Awesome thoughts, thank you much for taking the time and care. More compassion is what the world needs.

      Peace, friend.

  2. Sherri Matthews

    Beautifully written my dear, sweet friend. You explode with wisdom and truth…’only when our arms are free can we reach each other.’ So simple, yet so hard for so many. If only we could expend all that energy in setting our arms free rather than holding them in so tight to ourselves, keeping us from reaching out and extending our welcome, love and healing to one another, oh how the world would be so much better. Lovely to read your words again Allison, they bless my heart and soul. Much love, peace and blessings galore to you this day and always… Sherri xoxoxoxoxo

    1. Allison Marie Post author

      My sexy rebel angel friend,

      It’s always so great to hear from you! I know you are mad freaking busy spinning the magic (I feel you, girlfriend) and so I thank you for being here and taking the time to chime in. I think of you all the time and send you nothing but love, love, love. Your words are precious as is your heart, Sherri.

      YOU are a connection that matters to me very much. You glow = I glow.

      I hope you are doing beautifully and that all light and warmth surrounds you.

      Thank you for your light, always,


  3. Val

    Connection is about being truly seen by the other.
    Curiosity, compassion and seeking to understand are HUGE Allison :)

  4. The Fashion Huntress

    Great reminder!! I love the idea of making our own experience and feel like it’s so important for me (and all of us) to remember that it is partially what we create versus what is passively “happening to us.” Thanks girl! xo

    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Thanks so much, my friend – I’m with you! I love everything about owning that power to create, don’t you?

      And of course, nothing is better than connecting to each other. Thanks for your gorgeous spirit, love! XO

    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Dearest Ilyas,

      Thank you so much for the warmth in your comment. I am so glad this imagery resonated for you.

      Here’s to arms wide open, dear one. ;)

      Wishing you peace, always.

  5. Meg Evans

    Yes, other people’s perspectives definitely go into the category of “the more we learn, the more we realize we don’t know.” Although I try to withhold judgment, consider other possible explanations, and recognize that it’s likely there has been some misunderstanding, often my experiences are so different from someone else’s that I have absolutely no clue what’s going on in their mind until they tell me! As you say, the only way to fix that disconnect is to ask more questions and respectfully listen to the answers.

    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Hey Meg,

      Isn’t that the truth! You are so spot on. It’s amazing what stories I’ll conjure up in my mind, imagining what the other person is thinking. Haha, aaand I’m often making an other wise lovely connection turn into some convoluted mess.

      Such are we complex little creatures, right. ;)

      I always love hearing your thoughts, thank you so much for them, my good friend!

  6. Dan

    Hi there Allison, but also the round of followers who read and care to comment.
    It is weird. I tried to change my view when it comes to people, friends colleagues at work, you name it, and I adopted a point of view, that will not judge them nor will it push them away.

    To be honest, being a nice person, ain’t gonna do it. If they ( the other people, friends and so on) have a bad period they will not stand normal people around.
    I don’t know it is just disappointing.

    What is wrong with society ??? And yeah…were are all the connections, and why, being good ain’t gonna work.

    Good post !

    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Hey Dan,

      Thank you so much for your comment! I totally hear you, my friend. It is sometimes very disappointing when connections don’t seem to happen. Perhaps seeking to look at the situation a different way can help, and yet sometimes we just need to move on and keep our own inner space clear.

      Thank you for your light and spirit, dear one. ;)

      Wishing you much peace, always,



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