There is something unimaginably powerful you hold deep inside, something secret. Something only you know about and, to be honest, even you are not exactly sure where it comes from or how in the world you would ever pull it off.
To acknowledge the existence of this wild thing, this dream, this ambition, even only to yourself, would be impressive let alone to share it with anyone else.
You love this mysterious thing though, just as we all love our little secret passionate things. We love them in the dark, we dream about them in the night, we meet up with them in the shadows of space between the regular stuff we do each day.
We love this formless thing because we believe in it – inexplicably – against all the odds, in spite of all the craziness we imagine people might talk about us if we showed them.
We have a thing for these things, these creative endeavors we have yet to begin. They are part of what makes us up and even if we never let them out into the world they are always in us; morphing our cells, warping our thoughts, tugging on our veins, shaping the very way we see ourselves and the world around us.
So incredibly powerful are these dreams and hopes we hold for our precious lives. How deeply we want to step up to them, dig them out, hold them to the light and look at them in all their bridled, potential glory.
What if . . . I did this?
What if . . . I tried?
What if . . . it was even better than I imagine?
What if . . . it wasn’t?
What if . . . I never find out?
There is such a thing inside of me now, a dimly lit stirring thing that seems to be emerging not because it wasn’t always there but because it appears to be time for it to come forward. I’m pretty sure this is what happens when you are ‘ready’ spiritually but not ‘ready’ to believe it fully with the rest of your fleshy human bits.
It’s scary, yes. It’s divine and it lights me up to think about sort of like standing on the edge of a massive cliff (I would imagine. I’d be hard pressed to actually stand on the edge of a cliff) prepping to jump off into the sky.
The funny thing is, I have known this feeling before so I’m at least tuned in to it. I’ve got it’s number, so to speak (if people still say this anymore?). I recognize that fear of beginning a passion filled project is just my ego trying to keep me away from what I most need to grow in love.
And even though I recognize what is going on intellectually, in my heart every time a new thing introduces itself to me through inspiration, I wonder, secretly, is this the thing that’s going to finally break me? The thing that’s just too big, just too hard, just . . . too . . .
We do this to ourselves, right. We conjure up all of these magnificent steel bars inside our minds to cage ourselves off from the freedom to begin.
Steel Bar: I can’t do this, I’m not perfect yet.
Steel Bar: I will never do this right why bother.
Steel Bar: I can’t. No, I just can’t. It’s too big, audacious, impossible, selfish, silly, weird, ambitious, risky.
Steel Bar: What will happen to me if I screw this up? Will I be rejected? Will I ever recover?
The fear bars, the perfect little prison beams we erect to wall us off from the grand potential that is our lives. Do you do this, too?
Here’s the thing though, the thing that can slice through all the fear madness: What you love is what will set you free. You do not have to be perfect to begin it, in fact, better that you are weathered, cracked and worn in. You do not have to have all the answers to put yourself out there.
A baby learns to walk not because she knows all the places her wobbly legs will take her; she learns to walk because she knows – somehow – it’s time.
If you wait until everything makes sense, until everything can be logically sized up and buttoned down, you will never grow into who you were meant to be. Growth is a mess, growth is dirty and crooked and rough. That’s how the elegance becomes apparent when we least expect it.
Beginning something that matters deeply to our souls sends the primitive fear-spiked ‘monkey mind’ shrieking up the walls and tearing at the ceiling. He loves this dramatic, wide-eyed, white-knuckled shit.
You, in all your beloved grace, can react to the inner fright fest in one of two ways:
Option one: Surrender to the monkey screaming and keep your beloved thing un-begun. At least the screaming will quiet and you’ll be able to nestle back into the comfortable gnaw. It’s numbing but it’s an option that feels safe. (Feels safe, not is safe. But that’s another blog post ;))
Option two: Surrender the monkey screaming to the higher, deeper spirit of love and compassion within. Surrender the loud fears to the silent stillness. Let go of your ego even as he tries to wrestle with you and trust in the divine energy that planted this yearning in you to begin with.
You see, guys, the thing is, maybe we get twisted up about beginning what we love because we think it’s all about us (ego again, damn). We get so wrapped around what will happen to us as the isolated individual that we completely cut ourselves off from the higher truth which is this:
The work you do in love isn’t about you. It’s about us. It’s about the community. It’s about the people who need to hear what you have to say, see what you have to show. The people who are hungry – more likely starved – for the authentic offering you alone have the incredible potential to provide for them.
What if I told you that the thing you most want to give fits perfectly into what someone else most needs to receive? It’s true. We are all interconnected, dovetailing our beautiful imperfect offerings into each other.
So the next time you are in the shadows with the joyful, mysterious, loving thing you want so badly to begin you can at least know two things for sure:
1. It didn’t come from you. This calling, this message comes from beyond you. You are the vessel and it is trying to come through you.
2. It’s not about you alone and therefore you are not in it alone. It’s about your unity with the entire universe. It’s a call to give as well as receive and one feeds off the other. It is in giving that we receive.
Even as you make secret love to your dream and wonder what to do about the fear, this very minute, you have the freedom to begin.
The only question left then is, what will you do with it?
~ ~ ~
Hi, angel. New here? Sign up to follow via email at the top of the page there. Also, listen to my free podcasts and connect more deeply with your creative self and spiritual being.
Let’s connect on Twitter: @GloryBegin
© 2014 Allison Marie Conway at Glory Begin