February 4, 2015.
Me and my monkey mind 6.23 minutes into my daily 11 minute meditation session:
My back is not straight — hold up — OK, OK. Now I’m straight, OK. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Man my head is killing me what the — ssshhh . . . breathe, breathe, breathe . . . should I be using a different mantra? . . what am I looking for . . . I really need answers to come through, this connection is a train wreck I can’t . . . breathe, breathe, breathe . . . God, I’m so messed up today, I’m screwed, I’m spacing out, I’m stressing out, I feel strung out on life and this was supposed to HELP and now I feel like a DISASTER in life and a TORNADO in meditation and I’ve pretty much had it I’m not even kidding right now. Please help. PLEASE. HELLO. CAN I GET SOME HELP HERE. PLEASE.
At about 7.14 minutes I cut bait, pull the plug. Something’s gotta give.
Let’s be real, kids. I’m frustrated, I’m tired, I’m disappointed with myself something intense and trying to cover it up and drown it out with breathing is not the way to go. I don’t know much but I know that a huge part of getting in touch with yourself means being honest.
And honestly, I needed a different kind of way to tune-in in this moment.
Sometimes you really can’t quiet the mind. Sometimes you are a hot mess of tumultuous emotions, feelings and confusion. Thoughts whirl by so fast their downwind shoves hair in your eyes (mouth, up your nose, whatever) and you are left dizzy and frustrated in their wild wake.
You feel beaten, pummeled, disoriented, ragged, helpless.
Like a fake and a failure.
Mostly, you feel very alone.
Meditation is supposed to be quiet, calm, peaceful, flowing and angelic.
When it isn’t though . . . then what?
How can you connect with your higher mind when the truth is you are in pain, in fear, in a restless state of mind?
The thing is, you cannot get to your inner truth by willing your current truth to be anything other than it is. Right now.
If you are a mess, come into your sanctuary and be a mess. Love wants you the way you ARE not the way you think you should be.
It will be OK, gorgeous, I promise. Whatever it is that’s got you in a mind-numbing whirlwind -bring it.
Your meditation space is nothing if not a place to come raw, to open up honestly. If you are feeling scared and mixed up, show up vulnerable and spill it.
“The Holy Spirit will respond fully to your slightest invitation.” ~ ACIM
You will never be denied what you ask for as long as you ask from your truth. The minute you invite the spirit in, it’s got you.
Meditation is an exercise in unearthing what is true for you and bringing it to the light, offering your stuff for healing. It does not have to be pretty, it just has to be real.
Here is how to get real when real shows up as nuts:
How To Conduct A Messy Meditation
Get a sketch pad and markers, pens, crayons, whatever makes you feel comfortable enough to write-scream.
Then, write everything that comes in whatever way you feel like writing it.
No perfect prayers but prayers for sure – or fragments of prayers – that come naturally and in the moment.
No perfect lines, no rules, no bars, no edits (please, writers, for god’s sake do not edit the messy meditation).
Do not judge, do not censor. Cursing is fine. Drawing is fine. Obscene rows of exclamation points is fine.
Whatever is in you that has to come out let it fall out, crumble out, teem, pour, slide, just get it down and out.
Write on whichever side of the page you want, write sideways, write HUGE. Write in cursive, in crooked script, in hideous script, in bold, up the sides forget punctuation.
Write incomplete sentences.
Write the truth so help you.
And here’s the toughie for most perfectionists/humans/lovers:
Ask for help. Ask for a miracle. Ask Love to show you the way, to bust up whatever is keeping you from getting to clarity and peace.
Write “HELP ME” a fucking thousand times until you surrender to it.
This is meditation. This can be one of the most ugly, healing, enlightening experiences you ever have.
In all the emblazoned, hot, furious, cathartic writing of the mess, something happens.
As the pen slows, the thoughts drizzle down to nothing and comfort begins to blanket you mysteriously from the inside out you’ll see . . .
You have just accepted and released everything you feared was keeping you from getting to you.
This is you, my love.
Perfectly wrong. Perfectly naked. Perfectly imperfect.
This is a rebel’s meditation. This is meditation that honors your reckless abandon.
It’s a way to forge a connection with your inner guide when your innards feel wretched and yet in some way – however slight – hopeful.
This is for you at 7.14 minutes into what can sometimes soothe and sometimes feel like torture.
This is honest you.
It might not be apparent at first but this is you at your most beautiful.
And, my God, you are so absolutely beautiful.
~ ~ ~
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© 2014 Allison Marie Conway at Glory Begin