Dark Side of the Wound: When the Hurt Makes It Beautiful

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My eyes are shoved shut so tight I can physically feel the skin pulling taught behind my ears.

The first pristine pricks of the threat of a shattering cry are stabbing at the backs of my thin pulsing eyelids.

Fuck.

Even against the massive concrete resistance I’ve barricaded up, or maybe because of it, scorching tears pierce through and streak inky, crooked, blackened tracks across my cheeks.

Every drop of pent-up anger, shame, loss, greed, regret, jealousy and confusion plunges out of me onto the hardwood floor beneath my naked knees.

The toxic emotions that had been welling up inside for what seemed like an eternity – and yet surprised me with their volume – pour forth in painful relief, crashing out swells of hurt and excuses and lies I’ve told myself.

All the stuff I’d been avoiding and the stuff I had hoped would stay stuffed in caught up with me, rushing defiantly forward into tell-tale salt slicks rolling down my skin.

I could feel the tears tucking over the dimple in my chin, the hot pain of it, the hurt it takes to push through the tension and let go.

Even as I cry, I am also outside of myself.  I’m in it and I’m next to myself at the same time. Somehow underneath it all I relish the beautiful, awful sensation of electric pressure that surges through my skin and bones.

And I have a thought that makes every shred of very weird, impossible sense to me:

This is exquisite.

In a way, how beautiful this anguish is.  How holy this release, this divine intervention of sorts, this ethereal push to wring myself out of pain I no longer have to carry around with me.

It’s over now.

We want to be strong, guys, we all do. I want to be so strong and seem so strong and act so strong. I want to power up and tune in and ride on and woman up and quite honestly most of the time – I do it.  All of it, just like you do.  We do it damn well, too. (Yes, you know who you are, you powerful sexy minx. ;) )

But I’d be a liar if I said I am always that way. At some point we need to release the stuff we’ve been holding on to that can only come out through a deep, soul searing cry.

What makes us laugh, what makes us cry, what makes us embrace another, or embrace our art, or our lovers, whatever that thing is that makes us human also connects us with our spirit.

I’m the cheerleader, I totally am. Most of the time I can’t even help it, I am so passionate and exuberant and lit up about being alive. I adore that feeling when you know your energy has sparked with the energy of another human being, it’s incredible and it’s such a gift.

I know how important it is to live authentically, to be real.  I know the only thing worse than holding out on life is holding life in.  

There is something magic and tragic that beats in the heart of an artist who uncovers beauty in the light and the dark; who reveres the power of illumination as well as shadows.

So while we talk a lot of goodness about being positive and marching on and rocking out and not backing away or stepping off or letting up, we would also be wise to allow for the release when it needs to happen.

We’re so quick to judge ourselves and others for crying. For stopping, for ‘breaking,’ or ‘falling apart’ as though that marks the end, the final blow, our pitiful crushing loss.

But it is not the end. 

The break down is often the break through. The dark side of the wound must be exposed to heal. There is an exquisite surrender in letting down your guard and relying instead on the strength of the Power who created you.

Confess, come clean to yourself when it’s too much to go at it anymore.  Everything that you have been holding in hoping no one would see, invite that ugly stuff forward and look him in his weary eyes.

He’s not so bad. He’s tired of hiding, too.

Sit with your pain if you need to, look at it, surrender it.  Nothing you bring forward to Love will ever be used against you. Hold it to the Light, feel it, let it be healed.

Tears are full of your precious life, they are worthy, too. Artists, creatives, spiritual healers, light workers, everyone in this world who is brave enough to feel anything deeply and often is vulnerable.

There has to be a space for the beautiful, ugly release of pain in our lives. Not for drama, not for show, not for manipulation, but for honesty and for integrity. For the sake of being whole. 

There is a place for tears in being strong. There is a place for crying in being beautiful. 

A sacred, holy, intimate place.

Letting go is the hardest part. Not letting go of the negative feelings but letting go of the illusion that you can save yourself by being strong all the time, by doing all the heavy lifting all the time.

Faith in your exquisite beauty, your inherent worth, is a gorgeous thing. Sometimes that faith comes in rainbows and sometimes it comes in cascades of tears and heart ache.

But the faith, the faith always comes.

~ ~ ~

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© 2014 Allison Marie Conway at Glory Begin

30 thoughts on “Dark Side of the Wound: When the Hurt Makes It Beautiful

  1. Ross Lawrie

    Wow! Your words are so powerful and evocative. I’m new to your blog and as a ‘soul’ have problems believing but do have a strong ‘faith’ base within myself. I’m an ultra runner and often find myself, out there running endless miles and as I guess most of us do, searching within… There’s a ‘flow’ or mediative state that I can find myself from time to time and this energy can often overwhelm and allow for those moments of tears within strength and surrounding beauty. – never thought I’d hear myself saying that!
    Thank you! x

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Dearest Ross,

      I am so very honored and glad to have you here! Welcome, welcome, welcome. :)

      I am no ultra runner but for sure I know the healing that can come through running miles . . and the time for reflection it so beautifully warrants. I agree with you 100% – running can absolutely be a meditation.

      “tears within strength and surrounding beauty” – I am so glad you said it, that is gorgeous! Thank you so much for sharing your bright wandering spirit with me. You are a rock star.

      Blessings and light your way, dear one,

      Allison XO

      Reply
  2. Erika

    I love the suggestions of inviting the demon. In making peace with our pain we make peace with ourselves and therefore accept the way we are, the way things are, and the way we feel about how things are. Happenings in life can hurt, actions can hurt and that’s OK. In feeling the pain we discover a new island inside of ourselves.

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      I love your words, dear, dear Erika, always beautiful.

      “In feeling the pain we discover a new island inside of ourselves.” – that is so freaking awesome. Yes!

      I wish you so much light this day and I thank you for bringing your sacred light into this space.

      You are so stellar, friend. XO

      Reply
  3. Rajagopal

    If it is natural for unalloyed mirth and fun to manifest itself in loud laughter, it is equally so for deep sorrow to break the barricade of stoicism and gush forth in saline glory to refine the gross and uplift the spirit. It is perfectly macho to fucking cry once in a way and let tears glide over reddish cheeks and ‘dimpled’ chins….best wishes… Raj.

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Dear Raj,

      Perfectly fucking macho. I am in love with this line. :)

      Bless you for your bright and honest spirit and thank you for shining your voice here in this space.

      “Gush forth in saline glory” . . . you are so elegant, my friend. So very flowing and elegant. Namaste.

      Peace and light, always,

      Allison

      Reply
  4. The Fashion Huntress

    Allison- you are just the coolest and I had to share that today. I really enjoyed reading this and shared it with a friend who I think would really enjoy reading it as well. I just love your style! Thanks for the beautiful post!

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Have you any idea how fierce you are, my friend? Damn. Thank you!

      Knowing you enjoyed this means so much to me, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to comment. And knowing you shared this well that’s just awesome. I hope it serves your beautiful friend well, I really do.

      Stay incredible, so so so much love your way. XO!

      Reply
  5. Val

    Awesome Allison!
    Its one of those posts, where you’ve got to have experienced this for yourself to know that their is beauty and healing on the other side.
    The dark side of the wound is where the love is. We can only access it by letting go of our protective shell and breaking through. Crying and sobbing is usually how it shows up … and it is cathartic and freeing :)
    Although we (our ego) evaluates these dark emotions … calling them bad or ugly … they are all part of our life energy.
    When we accept them and give them space we release them so they can transform into loving energy that heals.
    Val xo

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Dearest Val,

      Thank you for your absolutely beautiful words here, they mean so much to me. You are right on the money and I love the word you use: cathartic. That’s it, right there. Boom. ;)

      They really are all part of life energy aren’t they . . . it’s pretty wild what you uncover as you explore a spiritual path. All that is shown to us, all that unfolds in its beautiful mysterious way.

      Blessed are we, love. Blessed are we to know healing in so many freeing and even surprising ways. Thank you for your glowing spirit!

      Love and light, and peace, always, always peace,

      Allison XO

      Reply
  6. Richard

    Hi Allison/Super-Cosmic-Poetress-Lady-Wonder,

    Well that is a truth and a half! I kept reading it and feeling it…and am living it. I will say that I have had to become and remain strong enough to become broken open…and it really is OK.

    Peace and love, Richard

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Beloved Richard, you can make a lady smile! :)

      What an absolutely beautiful, beautiful thing to say. Thank you from every corner of my heart.

      You are indeed so very strong and kind and brave. “strong enough to become broken open” – I love that.

      Peace and love your way, and so much gratitude, too. :)

      Allison

      Reply
  7. Robert

    Powerful words Allison, and thank you for trusting spirit enough to open your deep heartfelt feelings to the world. They describe the path that many of us have to go through when our deepening understanding crashes headlong into the reality of our lives up to this point.

    The awakening of the true self can be a painful process, often experienced as the dark night of the soul. The path narrows and there is no way back, the ego has to surrender but often not without a firestorm of protest, a very emotional experience.

    There is a place for tears in these processes and we should allow them full reign, often frowned upon as weakeness. But really it shows strength, that you have the power to face reality. There is immense courage and inspiration in your words.

    Namaste my dear fieind

    Peace always

    Robert

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Oh Robert, I don’t even deserve words as gentle and gorgeous as yours. Thank you, thank you so.

      You seem to know what my experience was like in an intimate way, my friend. It was indeed emotional and healing. I very much love how you describe it as a crash. It felt a lot like a crash . . . maybe that’s why I used the image of cars in a tunnel! Don’t you think the angels play with us a bit? ;)

      In a way, I sort of knew it would come but wasn’t sure how or when. Every morning my first words are “Use me.” and we know to be used we will need to be cleansed. It’s actually incredibly beautiful, isn’t it.

      Thank you not only for your words but the way you take the time to craft them. You see things in an exceptional way and I am blessed to have you here.

      “a firestorm of protest” – damn right. Your comment is so lovely maybe you could somehow create a post out of it, too. :)

      Blessings, love and light, always,

      Allison

      Reply
  8. Michael

    You just go straight for the jugular, don’t you Allison… Damn.

    It’s true, though, when you really let it come, it’s astounding the support you feel– from the tree roots that are producing a stabbing feeling in your back but you don’t care, from the awkward corner of the coffee table you’re quivering up against, from every living being in sight, from the silence of an otherwise empty apartment, from the previously unknown depths of your own being. The resistance just weakens us, turns us into our own kryptonite. Not that we need to seek out anguish or suffering or anything, but as you say, there are times when we reach the point where the floor on which we stand needs to be relinquished, so we can fall into the next largest room we’re capable of comprehending…

    Blessings
    Michael

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Dear beloved Michael,

      Your words and thoughts are so very, very gorgeous and moving. I cannot thank you near enough for taking the time to leave such beauty on this space. Bless you, my friend. ;)

      I adore the way you talk about relinquishing the floor and falling into “the next largest room we’re capable of comprehending. . . ” that is an image I’ll continue to hold dear for a very long time. It captures exactly what seems to happen when we let go, surrender and (finally) accept the healing. It is exquisite what comes through us in spirit, isn’t it. There’s a sense of awe that comes even through the crush.

      Sending you big time love and light, dear one, always,

      Allison

      P.S. I love that you said I go straight for the jugular. You totally make me sound way tougher than I am. Thank you for your awesome spirit! ;)

      Reply
  9. Mike

    It’s not always easy to show our feelings. I used to bottle up my emotions and keep them locked away. Too much pent up frustrations typically lead one down a path of negativity, blame and selfishness. We must let go, meet fear head on and realize that tears or not an indication of weakness. It’s powerful and life-altering.

    I love your beautiful words, Allison!

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Life altering indeed, you say it perfectly, Mike. I relate 100%. Often I bottle up not realizing it is actually hurtful to me and others or without even noticing I’m doing it.

      It can be a way of internalizing all the ‘tough it out’ messages beyond the point that they are useful.

      Thank you for your gorgeous spirit, dear friend. I am so grateful for you! ;)

      Wishing you peace of mind and heart all day,

      Allison

      Reply
  10. Sherri Matthews

    ‘Beautiful anguish’. Dear Allison, I know it. You know it. I finally was able to say, not so long ago, cry it actually, ‘But I’m not strong, I am so far from strong right now…’ And then, after all the pain and the ripping apart inside and the desperation subsides,well, then, comes a sort of delicious peace that at last, it has been released. Your words so perfectily and exquisitly describe that moment and the aftermath, yet you give us hope in that aftermath, that we will survive, we will be healed and we will move forward in blessed deliverance and strength. Sending all my love to you my dear friend, may peace and blessings flood your soul… today and always ~ Sherri <3 xoxoxoxoxox

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      My, my, my goodness, beautiful Sherri,

      Your words, thought, spirit, comment and light are devastatingly brilliant. Not surprisingly in the least – you so get me. ;)

      I know it. You know it. We are so damn strong, you and I, and it is tough to surrender sometimes, yeah? When you feel like you have to be the rock. Be the only. But it’s not true, the truth is we are never ever alone in our journey.

      Our strength is from beyond this wild world. ;)

      I’m sending you love, light, peace and bear hugs so tight and long it borders on uncomfortable, haha,

      Love you to bits,

      Be well, sweet friend,

      Allison XOXOXOXOXO

      Reply
  11. keem

    vintage Allison. Words connecring realities of our being. we have a saying here ‘who has not seen fight call himself man’ but above all mercy is still in place.

    Reply
    1. Allison Marie Post author

      Dear keem,

      Bless you and thank you for your kind words. “Mercy is still in place.” I love that. ;)

      Thank you, dear one.

      Sending you peace and light,

      Allison

      Reply

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